What I Have Learned This Year (a reflection on life since quarantine)
I looked back in my calendar to this time last year. March 17, 2020 was the day I closed up shop at the clinic and started what we thought was going to be a few weeks in quarantine. I remember emailing my patients, assuring them I would see them again in person in a short while and encouraging them to book virtual appointments should they need any support as we navigate this new way of living. I remember turning to Instagram a lot at that time. I was quarantining alone. Feeling connected through Instagram took a bit of the pressure off. I was making big decisions. Decisions I never thought I would have to make. I decided not to travel home to Calgary to isolate with my family out of genuine worry that it would not be safe for any of us to do so. And because I thought I would need to be ready to jump back into work at any moment. I remember waking up feeling a heaviness, a sadness and a constant fear of the unknown. And yet, that time was also the most freeing. I was able let go of all the things I felt like I had been barely hanging on to. And I got to just be with myself. I started to choose myself more. I started to re-evaluate my life and really decide what I wanted to give energy to going forward and what I was ready to let go of. Social media, blogging, FaceTime, virtual meetings/hangouts became the norm, and physical conversations, in-person visits, hugs, and most other ways of communication we had grown to take for granted, were now things of the past. But the beauty was that we stopped taking those things for granted. We desperately craved having those things again. The clanging of pots and cheers from the windows every evening at 7pm became part of our own daily rituals. Honoring our healthcare heroes. But also honoring ourselves. Reminding each other that we are here…and we are in it together.
I remember writing a lot. I wrote in my journal every single day. I blogged a whole lot. I wrote and shared my thoughts on Instagram. Reading through some of those posts, I am taken back to that time. I wonder what conversation my current self would have with my pre-quarantine self or myself during quarantine. I think I would say: “this is actually going to be the most transformative and incredible year yet. That although you are unsure and afraid, you won’t recognize yourself in a year and it will be a proud, proud moment. That you will finally be going for it and chasing those dreams you thought would never become a reality.” Post-quarantine life was not what we imagined it to be. I think we all thought it would be a moment where we broke free of the confines of our homes and we would run into the streets hugging each other while celebrating the joy of being reunited with our loved ones once again. But it wasn’t like that. It’s been a slow process of moving forward cautiously, then readjusting and going back. It’s been a lot of toe-dipping. A lot of learning. A lot of mistakes. We still may not have been able to see all our loved ones yet. We may not have fully returned to “normal” daily life. We wear masks, we are cautious about our interactions, we answer the same questions everywhere we go. Discussions about vaccines, health, symptoms, etc. have become the norm. Masks are now an (important) accessory. Our vocabulary has changed. So many things have changed. I have moments where I feel like I’m in a completely different world. And then there are those times when I step out of my car and walk towards a store, only to realize that I left my mask in my car or my bag. Sometimes you just forget the state of the world and you default back to previous ways of living. But that itself is part of the journey.
“This is actually going to be the most transformative and incredible year yet. You won’t recognize yourself in a year, and it will be a proud, proud moment.”
Personally, I feel like my life has drastically changed. Last year at this time I was sitting in my little apartment in New West, BC, on my own. And although I loved my alone time… I look at myself exactly a year later. And so much has changed. For the better. I’m now in Calgary with my family. I get to see them every single day. I left behind a lot of things that weren’t working for me. I decluttered a lot. I’m starting what is basically a new career. I feel a deep sense of happiness that I had forgotten was possible. I am constantly learning more about who I am and who I want to be. Still making big decisions. Still figuring it all out. Still putting one foot in front of the other. Still just being. Right here. Right now. This past year has pushed each of us to re-evaluate our own lives and start weeding out the things we no longer want. And to start emphasizing those things we feel deeply connected to. The things that make us happy and fill us up. To start choosing ourselves. So if this past year was the first time you turned inward and started to consider things you may never have before… then I am so proud of you. If this was the tenth or millionth time you’ve done that… I’m proud of you. If you even had just a slight wonderment about life and what you truly want…I’m proud of you. If you went through this challenging year and are still working on yourself… I’m proud of you. Whatever you experienced this year… I am so proud of you. Because none of us really knew what we were doing. We still don’t. And that is ok. We get there one step at a time. We seek, we step, we adjust, we reflect and we do it again. And again.
The truth is that there is no “post quarantine” life. There is this journey. This life. And what we have gone through and are still going through is all part of it. Instead of waiting for things to go back to normal or for a new normal to be defined, I think it is our duty to start living in the present. To be where we are and learn from every twist and turn that life offers. And to truly savor those moments that fill us up. So take it all in. Take in those moments with the people you love. Take in those emotions that may come out of nowhere. Take in those changes of heart. Take in the difficult, challenging moments as well as the soul-filling ones. Don’t be afraid to reroute. To redirect. And never, ever be afraid to choose yourself.
xo,
K.