Twenty Twenty
I really wanted to write a new years post this year, but I’ve found it harder than usual. It seems that all I can think about are expectations. With it being 2020, it suddenly feels like the stakes are higher, the pressure is stronger and the expectations are even more intense.
I rang in the new year with my family while we played games and enjoyed a home cooked meal. It was simple and it was lovely. And somewhere in that time it became a new year. A moment passed where it was no longer 2019 and it was suddenly 2020. Just a simple moment. And guess what? I was still the same person. I was still in the same place. I didn’t suddenly change. Nothing around me really changed.
It made me think about how much emphasis we put on that one moment. That one little shift. We feel like we have to celebrate and make changes and goal set and do all the things. When in reality, it is just another moment. It’s not that I don’t think we should celebrate. I’m all for a good new years celebration. But when it comes with the extra pressure, then that’s when it loses its appeal. As I sat there on new years eve, counting down until midnight, I realized that my internal “new years” would be later. The shift. The work. The intentions. The visions. The things I want for myself in the future. It would come when I had some quiet time and space for reflection. That one small moment didn’t need to have all the answers. It didn’t need to dictate the next 365 days. I didn’t need to re-evaluate my whole life because it was suddenly a new year and a new decade. Those things are simply a measure of time. What interests me more is celebrating my growth.
A decade ago I was in my undergrad at the University of Guelph. I was in my second year, living with roommates and working hard towards my goal of becoming a veterinarian. It was my second year of being away from my family and in a new city. It was my first year living away from the comfort of things like university residence and meal plans. So, it was definitely a big year for me. And I remember at the time thinking that I would never live completely alone because a) that’s terrifying and b) I wouldn’t be able to survive doing everything on my own.
Cut to right now: I live on my own in an apartment in Vancouver (and I have been living alone for the last 5 years). I’ve finished 9 years of post-secondary education and I’ve been practicing as a naturopathic doctor for the past two years. So yeah. A lot has changed. But what’s changed even more is who I am as a person.
When I look back, I see how much I’ve learned. I’ve learned how to be strong. How to adjust and pivot when things aren’t going the way I expect. I’ve learned how to advocate for myself better. I’ve learned what boundaries are. I’ve learned how to be independent and that fear doesn’t have to stop you from doing something. I’ve learned what it means to give someone your word. I’ve learned how to invest in myself. I’ve learned the value of self-care and alone time. I’ve learned that I am capable of a lot more than I thought. I’ve learned that I am the writer of my own story. I’ve learned about the value of love and family. And I’ve also learned that I will keep learning more. That the learning never ends. And I know that there will be even more change in the next 10 years. And I am so proud of all these things. So so proud. Because these are not things I could have foreseen or even planned for myself. They just happened. Despite how hard I am on myself, it’s even harder to deny how much strength it has taken to do everything I’ve done in my life so far.
We can never anticipate what will come our way, but when we get through hard things, or when we accomplish things we didn’t think we could - we need to celebrate those things.
I am proud of you. For coming to this point today. For being here reading this and hopefully sending yourself a bit more love. For all the things life has thrown at you in the past 10 years. For all the things you did that you didn’t think you could do. I am proud of you. Let that in. Have appreciation for yourself no matter how little or unimportant you think something you’ve done is.
So instead of worrying about intentions and goals and resolutions or the expectations of a new year, let’s just take some more time to be grateful. Grateful for being here right now and grateful for every chapter in our stories. Nothing has to change just because it’s a new year. Things will change anyway and in their own time. So just keep being you. Keep working on you. Keep doing your best. Keep giving your heart space to feel what it needs to.
Lots of love to you, wherever you are this year.