Feeling Guilty About Resting
I’m a homebody through and through. The best part of my day is coming home, having a hot shower and relaxing on the couch with some yummy food and a good show. I really love those moments of rest. And yet, if I decide to rest earlier in the day, or I have a huge to-do list waiting (which let’s be honest is all the time), then I don’t feel fully relaxed while resting. I actually feel guilty. Guilty that I’m sitting here doing nothing, when I could be doing 100 other things. Guilty that I have all these hopes, dreams and goals and yet here I am not doing any of them. Guilty that I have all this paperwork I have to do for work aaaand… I’m not doing any of it. These thoughts are always going through my mind. So really, I’m never fully relaxing. I’ve found it confusing because I am not a naturally busy person. I am not on the go a lot, it’s not like I don’t have time for resting. I have the time. I make the time. It’s extremely important to me to go slow and go at my own pace, which for me includes a lot of downtime to recharge. I fill up my cup by relaxing on my own. Watching shows, reading, drinking endless cups of tea, cuddling with fur babies, writing, blogging. All those things are priorities to me. I don’t feel like myself if I haven’t had some element of those things in my day. I’ve come to accept that I just don’t move at the same pace as other people and I’ve found what works for me. And yet, I still feel guilty when I sit down and just relax.
The other day I had a short day at work. Instead of making myself sit at work and get some things done, I just went home. My body was craving some time to rest. I’d had a super productive day before and I’d been doing a lot of things during the week and hadn’t had a day to just relax in awhile. So I went home and ate and then lay down on the couch. And the whole time I felt so guilty that I wasn’t working. It was silly. I chose to do this, I wanted to do this, but my brain wouldn’t stop reminding me that there were other things I could be doing. And it wouldn’t stop reminding me that other people were still at work getting things done, so I should be as well. So even though I ended up taking the day to rest (which I was glad I did), I’m not sure I really even got much rest. Because my mind wasn’t resting.
I started thinking about this more and realized that a lot of people struggle with this too. For some people it means that they just don’t stop working. They continue to go and go and go until they crash. For other people it results in immense negative self talk. For others it becomes constant procrastination. Or a whole lot of stressing. All these things can really take a toll on you because not only are you not fully resting, but you also end up being extremely hard on yourself.
I’ve realized that a lot of this goes back to worthiness, validation and boundaries. I notice that when I choose to relax, I also want someone else to tell me that I made the right decision. That it is in fact, OK to rest. Or I’ll chat with someone and list out a bunch of justifications for resting. As if I need someone to validate my decision and I need to convince them of all the reasons that it was the right decision. When really, I need to validate my decision. I made it. I chose it. No one else is really questioning my decision except me. So that’s where I’ve started. I’m really trying not to call someone or tell someone else why I am resting and instead just doing it. It is incredibly hard. My instinct is to call a friend, my boyfriend or my mom immediately after I decide I want to rest. Not doing that takes A LOT of control. But I’m working on it.
The other thing I am working on is reminding myself that resting is essential to health and wellbeing. This is something I know very well. It’s something I talk about with friends and patients. It’s not a foreign subject to me. But I need to remind myself of this. Resting is not being unproductive. In the past few months, I’ve found a really nice flow of working, exercise, self-care, time with others, and starting projects I am passionate about. It kind of happened seamlessly and on it’s own because I wasn’t trying to control it as much as I used to. And I’ve really loved that. Rest has just become a part of that. Naturally, every week isn’t the same and sometimes there is less time for rest than other weeks. So when there is less rest, I am trying to remind myself that I am allowed to rest. That even though I am busier, rest is still allowed. I don’t need to get wrapped up in the busy. I can come back home to myself and just be. Because that is essential for my wellness.
I’ve also been thinking about the reasons we rest. We all have different reasons. Sometimes we are just tired. Sometimes it’s pain. Sometimes it’s sickness. Sometimes it’s discomfort. Sometimes it’s anxiety or other mental wellness concerns. Sometimes we just want to. And all of those are ok. All of those are great reasons to rest. Resting because you want to is just as much a reason as resting because you are sick. Your reason for rest is a valid reason for rest. Honour that.
Intuition is something I also realize is a big part of rest and relates to what I mentioned above. Your intuition is often trying to tell you different things throughout the day. And we easily ignore it because of what we “have” to do. And yes, sometimes there are things that just need to get done. But I bet that if we tuned into our intuition more we would realize that we have more time to rest than we think. We may be able to make more space for rest than we believe we have room for. Your intuition is always there, even if you feel disconnected from it. And if it tells you to rest, there’s usually a reason. And going back to what I mentioned above - that reason is important.
And the last thing is understanding that everything will get done. It always does. It may not get done in the timing that you have decided or others may have decided for you. But then again, it still might. Resting doesn’t mean you neglect everything. When we rest and we are truly present with that, we open up all this intentional time for doing other things that we didn’t even realize we had time for. Because when we are just trudging through life, trying to get everything done and waiting for everything to be completed before we rest, then we are not even really present with what we are doing. We are just getting through so we can actually rest, which realistically never comes. So why not make our work time, our rest time and our play time more intentional all around?
I hope these things help you in some way. I’ve had a lot of thoughts about this and struggled with it forever. Sharing these words with you feels good to me and I’m know there are others out there who resonate with these same feelings.
Before I wrap this up, remember…
Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best. You are learning. You are not going to be perfect and that is ok. Everything above won’t come in one day. I’m working on all these things as I learn about more them and become more aware of them. It is not a destination you get to. It’s always a work in progress. Pat yourself on the back when you do something small. Pat yourself on the back when you make a small realization. When you have awareness of your thoughts and behaviours. And then be so so gentle with your heart when you don’t do those things. You will find your flow. That’s all we are really doing. Finding our flow in this world. And it will happen. So just be kind. Your heart will appreciate it.
Lots of love,
K.