Managing Fluctuating Emotions During Quarantine
This past week has felt like a struggle. My emotions have been all over the place. My energy has been lower than usual and my motivation to do anything goes along with that. My joy for the little things has been fleeting. It’s been a difficult week to say the least. I try really hard to stay optimistic about everything and I truly do enjoy being a homebody with fewer obligations and lots more time for self-care. But I would be lying if I said this whole thing was easy. I have my moments, and sometimes these moments can feel really overwhelming.
When this first started, I was slightly excited at the prospect of staying home. Getting time to myself and connecting with my loved ones (virtually) more than usual sounded nice. The phone calls, texts and FaceTimes have really helped me feel less alone. I felt motivated to share my thoughts with others as well as support others in my own way. I was sitting every morning in the sun, journaling, listening to music and burning palo santo. And that fueled me. Same with my daily walks in the park. Walking in the trees with a podcast on. It felt amazing.
And then things shifted the second week. And then they shifted again the third week. And they just keep shifting. And as things shifted I noticed myself shifting too. I still sit every morning to try and journal with my palo santo and my music on, but it often ends up with me staring out the window. Wondering why the sun isn’t streaming through the window like usual. Or wondering why the same things I was doing before aren’t filling me up the same way. Getting frustrated. Not cleaning or organizing, but wishing I had the energy to. Not cooking myself nutritious meals but wishing I could just get it together to make something.
It’s hard. I’m going through the motions. I go for walks. I eat. I exercise daily. I talk to my loved ones daily. But it just doesn’t feel like it’s helping like before. And that’s the truth of where I am right now. I wake up feeling defeated. Annoyed at myself for sleeping in and not getting to enjoy the morning. I get upset that I don’t have energy to clean or cook something amazing for myself, while still battling the anxiety of having to go out to get groceries or to pick up a meal/order in. Settling instead for a mediocre meal and a whole lot of snacks that don’t fill me up. I look at myself in the mirror and feel embarrassed about the way I look right now. That I’ve allowed myself to get here. Spending ages on social media comparing my situation to others. Wondering why I don’t look/feel/act/have what they have. I get waves of energy and motivation where I want to make a plan and get organized, but it leaves as quickly as it comes.
The truth is that as this goes on, there are more and more anxieties and frustrations and truths coming out. The fact is that although I struggle with all the changes, I’m trying to accept that change is necessary. Every day is different. Every week is different. Every feeling/thought/emotion is different and will continue to be. Making my peace with change is one part of accepting where I am in all of this. Accepting the frustrations I have with myself while also appreciating all the things I am still doing for myself. That is where my journey is right now.
Although I speak about acceptance and self-love and self-care all the time, I still have moments like this. Moments where I feel the frustration deep within me and go down a spiral of negative self-talk. Because I’m human. We all are. Somewhere along the way, we have learnt not to give ourselves the same grace we give other people and that needs to change. If you were your best friend right now, what would you say to you?
I would say to myself: “It’s ok to be where you are. There’s no right way to do this. I’m proud of you for being aware and giving yourself the space to be where you need to be. Your heart is still the same. What you stand for is no less just because you feel the opposite right now. And I love you regardless of where you are in your journey.”
I’m not sure why I felt like I needed to write this. I guess it’s because I needed to tell myself that it’s ok to feel confused and different everyday. Maybe you’re in this position too and you feel alone. But… you aren’t alone. Not at all. I am so so there with you. In the depths of all of this with you. And if you’re feeling the opposite right now, your feelings are valid too. If you feel happy, content, comfortable, beautiful - then you also belong here. We all belong here. Together. Every emotion and feeling is safe and valid here. Allow it. Give it space to be all that it is. Maybe one thing we will collectively learn is that nothing is permanent. The good and the bad.
Lots of love.
“It’s ok to be where you are. There’s no right way to do this. I’m proud of you for being aware and giving yourself the space to be where you need to be. Your heart is still the same. What you stand for is no less just because you feel the opposite right now. And I love you regardless of where you are in your journey.”